What To Get Your Presidential Candidate For Christmas


Ho Ho Ho, Merry 25th of December! Seasons greetings, Santa has  been very busy  this year and needed a little help, so he appointed me his part-time with no benefits helper. Ho Ho Ho, what a sweat shop old Saint Nick has been running.

Anyway, I’m in charge of bringing joy to the boys and girls of the presidential race. Let’s face it, Santa helper, Derek Wood here thinks these candidates suck. If it were up to me, they would all get socks. Because that’s the worst gift. It doesn’t come from the heart, there’s no deep thought involved it comes from the feet, and that’s what these candidates remind me of.

They wave, they smile. They bring us their well-behaved children(the only time they are shown attention.) And how about the wives? Side by side, hands clasped, prozac smiles, botox lifts and ambien eyes. Awful.

However, Santa insisted that I bring even the lowest of the low gifts. And I did, but it’s not too late for you! So here are some ideas of gifts to get your favorite candidates and a few others.

Donald Trump: Trump has managed to offend everyone including Santa. But in fear of being banned, Santa decided even Trump’s chimney would get a visit. We don’t all have “Donald money,” but that’s okay. Here’s a cheap gift that Trump can appreciate. A Thesaurus!

Instead of calling people stupid dumb face poops, Trump will now be armed with Merriman’s 2016 edition Thesaurus. This will allow Donald more suitable and presidential insults!

Hillary Clinton: It may not be the most dazzling item of jewelry but meaning alone makes this a great gift .I call this the Vince Foster edition.

Ben Carson: Carson seems very stoic, and by that I mean on a steady diet of sedatives. You can’t go wrong with a year supply of Monster energy drinks for the good doctor. Perhaps, a book on early American history to get Dr. Carson better acquainted with the founding fathers.

Ted Cruz:  By far the creepiest candidate, and most awkward when talking, Cruz, if politics fails, could enjoy a career as a horror movie villain. If you want to show Teddy that you care, wrap Cruz a pure, authentic… American birth certificate. So far, it appears that rules have been tossed to the side. But just in case some Grinch like Mike Rivero wants to cause a scene, have this gift idea ready.

Marco Rubio: Ted Cruz’s American birth certificate.

Bernie Sanders: Canada.

Jeb Bush: Front row seats to an Al Gore “Global Warming Summit.”

Chris  Christie: Jared Fogle’s replacement as Subway’s frontman.

In closing, I thought it would be nice to throw in some others to this list that aren’t running for president.

John Boehner: The “Bronze Deluxe” tanning package.

Harry Reid: A manlier voice.

Al Sharpton: Better hair conditioner.

Benjamin Netanyahu: Foreign Aid in pennies, not rolled. Netanyahu should feel lucky he gets anything since a lot is never  enough.

Barack Obama: I’ve elected to get the president something that should speak vociferously; a collage, of the innocently gunned down people by way of Obama’s perfunctory drone attacks program.

With all the corporate prattling, in regards to lists; kill list, no fly list, watch list, the list Obama landed on was the naughty list.

Obama, for the last several years, ostensibly immune from the laws of the land, has proven to be constitutionally perfidious with no ramifications to worry about like his predecessor and eventual successor. This is the chagrin of the United States. The world shakes their heads at U.S. hypocrisy in Syria. Iraq detests our involvement and furthermore our presence  in their affairs . Ask Russia.

So as you can see, from abroad and at home, there is just too much to abhor.

We forge ahead though, and with that, and the nature of the article, I wish you all a, Merry fucking Christmas. Take that PC police.


Derek Wood is a freelance writer/blogger. A news aggregator, culture critic, humorist/political satirist as well as a proponent of truth in the media. Derek can be heard on the Lost in Transmission podcast Fridays at 7pm PST/10pm EST as a panelist and guest co-host.

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