Category Archives: Humor

What To Get Your Presidential Candidate For Christmas

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Santa-Obama-and-GOP

Ho Ho Ho, Merry 25th of December! Seasons greetings, Santa has  been very busy  this year and needed a little help, so he appointed me his part-time with no benefits helper. Ho Ho Ho, what a sweat shop old Saint Nick has been running.

Anyway, I’m in charge of bringing joy to the boys and girls of the presidential race. Let’s face it, Santa helper, Derek Wood here thinks these candidates suck. If it were up to me, they would all get socks. Because that’s the worst gift. It doesn’t come from the heart, there’s no deep thought involved it comes from the feet, and that’s what these candidates remind me of.

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The TSA’s 12 Signs You Might Be a Terrorist (Video)

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TSA Spoof

Traveling this summer? Avoid these officially terrorist-y behaviors—or you might get detained.

For a friendly guide to actual suspicious signs the TSA looks for, watch the video above. Go tohttp://reason.com/reasontv/2015/07/03… for downloadable versions and subscribe to ReasonTV’s YouTube Channel to receive notifications when new material goes live.

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What’s Really Going On At Fukushima?

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Fukushima-Meltdown

Fukushima’s still radiating, self-perpetuating, immeasurable, and limitless, like a horrible incorrigible Doctor Who monster encounter in deep space.

Fukushima will likely go down in history as the biggest cover-up of the 21st Century. Governments and corporations are not leveling with citizens about the risks and dangers; similarly, truth itself, as an ethical standard, is at risk of going to shambles as the glue that holds together the trust and belief in society’s institutions. Ultimately, this is an example of how societies fail.

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Hillary Clinton Adviser Reportedly Went Berserk At Anthony Weiner, And Told Him He Was Going To ‘Pull Out’ His Throat

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Anthony Weiner 

(Business Insider) - Philippe Reines, the personal spokesman and longtime adviser to Hillary Clinton, blew up at New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner after the latest revelations surrounding his online sexual relationships.The New York Times’ Amy Chozick and Michael Grynbaum report that Reines went off on Weiner during a campaign conference call after learning of the new revelations. Reines is a close personal friend of Huma Abedin, a “surrogate daughter” beloved by the Clintons, and has an informal, unpaid role with the campaign. Continue reading →

(Morning Humor) Dog Eats Man’s Cash, Owner wants the Feds to swap the money out

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(CAV News) Did you ever use the gag and told your teacher that ‘my dog at the homework.’ Well this is taking it to another extreme, but seriously after reading this excerpt, I think we should give a standing ovation for this gentleman’s effort in trying to retrieve $500 dollars out of the stools of his 12-year-old retriever.

 

FROM AP:

A Montana man whose 12-year-old golden retriever ate five $100 bills hopes to be reimbursed by the federal government.

Wayne Klinkel tells the Independent Record that his dog Sundance ate the bills while he and his wife were on a road trip to visit their daughter.

Klinkel says he carefully picked through the dog’s droppings, and his daughter recovered more when snow melted.

He says he washed the remnants of the bills and taped them together and sent them to the Treasury Department’s Bureau of Engraving and Printing with an explanation of what happened.

The bureau’s website says an “experienced mutilated currency examiner” will determine if at least 51 percent of a bill is present and eligible for reimbursement. The process can take up to two years.

 

 

Florida legislators introduce bills to legalize medicinal pot

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(Digital Journal) -Legislators in the Florida state House and Senate have introduced bills that would allow residents of the state to use marijuana for certain medical conditions
 
Last week, Robert and Cathy Jordan met with state Democrats who agreed to support legislation known as the Cathy Jordan Medical Cannabis Act. The bills, which were filed earlier this week as part of the act, came just two days after law enforcement officials raided the Jordan’s home, confiscating 23 marijuana plants. The couple says there were growing the plants because marijuana is the only thing they have found that will stabilize Cathy’s neurodegenerative disease Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. Although neither Cathy or Robert were arrested, Robert, a disabled Vietnam veteran, is angry with officials, telling the Herald Tribune:

 

“They explained to me that they had no choice because it’s the law. Well, guess what? I’ve got no choice in the matter, too. We’re going head-to-head now and one of us is going to fall. And if it’s me, somebody else is going to step up.

 

They’ve come and taken away the medicine that’s been keeping my wife alive for 20 years. I’m not going to let my wife die, and anybody who loves somebody would do the same thing.”

 
Marijuana plants grown by Robert Jordon

Screen Capture
Marijuana plants grown by Robert Jordon
 

Dave Bristow, a spokesman for the sheriff’s department, insists his deputies did not know the Jordan’s were involved with the bill, saying Sonya Leigh Johnson, a housing inspector, had reported the possible presence of marijuana at the couples home. According to Bristow, Johnson was assessing a vacant home next door when she saw an extension cord running from an open window at the home she was inspecting towards the Jordans’ home. She looked through the backyard fence and saw the plants, took photos and reported it to the sheriff’s department.

 

Following the raid, Sen. Jeff Clemens introduced SB 1250 on Wednesday. On Thursday, Rep. Katie Edwards introduced the companion bill, HB 1139. Both bills would authorize “a qualifying patient to possess and administer medical cannabis, and possess and use paraphernalia for a specified purpose.”

 

The bills are about compassion according to Clemens, saying:

 

“When a patient comes into your office and tells you all the meds that they’re taking don’t work, don’t relieve their suffering, but marijuana does, it’s hard to look at that person in the eye and not do something about it.”

 

Not everyone is happy about the bill however, with Sharon Kramer, director of the Manatee County Substance Abuse Coalition, telling ABC Action News:

 

“It is naive to think we won’t pay a heavy price, especially impacts on the health and well-being of our next generation.”

 

Florida House of Representatives speaker Steve Crisafulli is not pleased with the measure either, saying he does not feel the measure will be something the legislature will focus on.

 

Clemens insists the introduction of the bill is the right thing to do for those suffering from debilitating illnesses however. He hopes images of a wheelchair bound woman suffering the affects of a fatal disease having her home raided will change opponents minds. He went on to say:

 

“This is a woman in a wheelchair simply looking to relieve her constant suffering who has tried medications that just don’t work. This is about helping people. It’s about compassion.”

 

Robert agrees, saying:

 

“I will replenish my wife’s medicine as soon as possible. It’s more of a crime for me not to

Coming This Fall “Days And Nights Of The Living Dead” to a theatre near you!

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(CAV News) Derek Wood - They’ve come for brains, a pulse, the smell of blood, and roam the streets in a predictable and precarious fashion. Their faces rot from their free government cell phones radiation!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Four More Years!!!

It’s a movie that has been in production for a little over four years.

Directing and taking his first stab at fictional horror is Michael Moore. Millions of extras have been casted with lead zombies Kanye West and Jay-Z, Eva Longoria, Will Smith, George Clooney and special cameos from Oprah and Dianne Feinstein, who was very easy to work with. “She was always in character, never had to apply any makeup to Dianne, said special makeup artist.

The villains of the movie are Stacey Dash, Clint Eastwood, Ted Nugent, and possibly a Jenna Jameson appearance!!!

In a dark tyrannical and totalitarian town, a breed of flesh-eating bandits scurry the streets trying to snatch any sign of life. Clawing away at all living, dependent, free minded individuals. Performing ritual after ritual as the zombies perform constitutional macabre.

Watch as they clash, struggle, die, eat each other, steal one another’s wealth and phones. The movie is total nonstop excitement.

Jerry Garcia rises from his grave with a message “we want our fan base back.”

This Halloween, a Harvey Weinstein production, music by annoying synthesizers and Usher, directed by gun grabbing Michael Moore (except for in the movie, all the cast member are issued loaded gun for realistic purposes) and an all-star cast of mislead misfits.

Days And Nights Of The Living Dead!!!

Rate MA (moronic Americans)

Frenemies? President Obama and Boehner are really good pals and everything is okay(satire)

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(CAV News)Derek Wood -They make talk down on one another in front of the camera, pretend to possess a bold game during chats with journalists, place blame in front of fellow lawmakers or party affiliates, but the truth in the matter is… man love.

President Obama and Speaker Boehner go golfing once in every three months to the best courses taxpayer money can buy. They sip lemonade for photo ops but like media portion practices in the NFL, once they hit the clubhouse, they are smashing back hard liquor and popping Affordable Care Act percocets. Thanks Endo.

Once they are done giggling through the hallways after an insightful steam, where it is said they’ve talked fiscal cliff, debt ceiling, percocets, Fergie, and hot female senators, they finally leave the clubhouse and hop into their secret service limo.

Here they pop open the finest Champaign as they compare paychecks and head on over to Boehner’s favorite tanning spa. They do that for about 35 minutes and then it’s time to head back to the White House.

Before getting out of the limo where there’s a choir of reporters, they pep each up by smacking each other in the faces. This is partly because of the heavy boozing and pill use, but also to portray a mean look, a look of discontent and hate and late hour negotiations. Grab them folders, hang them shoulders, it’s time to go public.

Of course they both appear together, close by, like fraternal twins, and pretend not to hear any question from reporters… but… on Obama’s nod, Boehner cleverly and as scripted says “We are confident a deal will get done.”

Once they are inside the White House, Michelle Obama is furious. She knows Boehner is trouble and thinks they’ve been out with inner city prostitutes again. The two Obama’s fight and have to be separated by aides.

Assuring things are okay, Boehner and Obama get to work… on the Xbox. Playing Call of Duty for about an hour, they become bored and order a drone strike on Yemen.

“So I’m going to tell people it’s time for you to lead,” Boehner tells Barry.

“Let me be clear, that tan looks good on you,” Obama assures  John.

They part ways in front of the camera with a half-hearted handshake and a semi storm off to their respective mancaves. You see they aren’t enemies, everything is okay with them. In the next week they’ll attack each other before coming up with a status quo agreement and reaching a compromise that would make their masters of the big banking industry blush. Everything is okay but are you?

Report: FreedomWorks video featured a ‘panda’ performing oral sex on ‘Hillary Clinton’

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(Raw Story) -The controversial conservative super PAC FreedomWorks created a promotional video that depicted former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton having oral sex with a woman in a giant panda suit, according to a report published on Thursday.

Former FreedomWorks officials told Mother Jones‘ David Corn that an internal investigation was focusing on the group’s president, Matt Kibbe, and a possible area of inquiry was the video in question.

“The video included a scene in which a female intern wearing a panda suit simulates performing oral sex on Hillary Clinton,” Corn reported, noting that the film had been created to play on large screens the FreePAC conference in July 2012.

Sources told Corn that the premise of the video was a dream sequence, where Executive Vice President Adam Brandon voyeuristically observes “a giant panda on its knees with its head in the lap of a seated Hillary Clinton and apparently fellating the then-secretary of state.”

FreedomWorks tasked two female interns with the roles of Hillary Clinton and the giant panda. The panda suit was an “inside joke” used at rallies to mock Democrats for pandering to special interests.

“Yes, this video was created,” a FreedomWorks staffer confirmed to Mother Jones.

Another group official recalled that his “mouth was wide open” when the film was first screened to staff: “What the hell is this?”

“How was that not some form of sexual harassment?” a FreedomWorks officials said of the two female interns who had been coerced into performing simulated sex acts. “And there were going to be thousands of Christian conservatives at this thing. This was a terrible lack of judgment.”

The group’s former chairman, Dick Armey, insisted that he only learned of the film months after the decision had been made not to show it at the group’s conference.

“There was a concern that this kind of behavior could land you in court,” Armey said. “I was shocked at the ugly and bad taste.”

 

Homeland Security has advice for confronting mass murders: scissors

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WASHINGTON — Is your workplace getting shot up by a crazed gunman?

No problem — just grab a pair of scissors and fight back!

That’s some of the helpful advice in a new instructional video from the Department of Homeland Security that was posted on the agency’s Web site just a month after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.

 

“If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available,” says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.

The video, titled “Options for Consideration,” also advises that people who get caught in an “active shooter” situation should run away, hide under a desk or take cover out of the line of fire.

The nearly four-minute-long video opens with chilling scenes from the 2007 Virginia Tech massacre, the 2009 mass shooting at Fort Hood in Texas, and the 2011 attempted assassination of Gabrielle Giffords.

But the video quickly shifts to hokey footage of office workers scampering under desks, crouching in corners and racing into closets to hide from a rampaging gunman on the loose.

“To protect your hiding place, lock the door if you can. Block the door with heavy furniture,” recommends the male narrator, speaking in measured, authoritative tones.

Other survival strategies promoted in the video include hiding “behind large items such as cabinets or desks. Remain quiet. Silence your cellphone or pager. Even the vibration setting can give away a hiding position.”

Richard Feldman, president of the Independent Firearm Owners Association, said he has a better option for consideration than a pair of scissors when confronting an armed mass murderer — a legal firearm.

“That’s why I prefer a gun, and I usually do carry a gun when it is lawful to do so,” said Feldman. “Clearly, you use whatever you can” to fight for your life, he said.

So if scissors are all you’ve got, grab them by all means.

The video is part of the Obama administration’s ongoing campaign to reduce firearm violence in the wake of the horrific mass murder last month of 20 children and six teachers in Newtown, Conn., said a Homeland Security official.

Homeland Security has operated an active-shooter preparedness-training program for years, and the “Options for Consideration” video was in production prior to the Dec. 14 shooting in Newtown.

The video was released to coincide with President Obama’s sweeping proposals to curb gun violence in America, said the official.

Obama’s most controversial proposals include a ban on military-style assault rifles and high-capacity ammo clips, as well as expanded background checks for firearm purchases.

Security consultant Andrew Scott called the information in the video “adequate.”

He conceded that Homeland Security was correct in recommending that people use scissors to attack a gunman but only in a “last, worst-case scenario.”

“Just the suggestion [to fight back] is a positive move,” said Scott, a former SWAT commander in North Miami Beach. “You don’t want to be sheep for the slaughter.”

But if you do arm yourself with shears, the narrator warns you to drop them when cops arrive.

“Put down any items. Immediately raise your hands,” is the closing advice.

Center for American Progress’ Christie Hefner: Climate change a factor in Chicago’s murder rate

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(DailyCaller) -On Wednesday’s broadcast of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe,” the Center for American Progress’ Christie Hefner said that Chicago’s sky-high murder rate could be blamed — at least in part — on climate change.

“Yes, last year we hit a record number of murders from guns [in Chicago],” Hefner, the former chairwoman and chief executive officer of Playboy Enterprises, said. “And this year we are already outpacing last year’s numbers. Now, there are contributing factors that are not under anybody’s control and may seem odd, but it is factually true. One of them is actually the weather. There is a dramatic increase in gun violence when it is warmer. And we are having this climate change effect that is driving that.”

The average high temperature July, the hottest month in both Chicago and the much-safer New York City, is the same for both cities at 84 degrees Fahrenheit. Scarborough took a moment to sardonically thank Hefner for that statement on behalf of conservative bloggers.

“Christie, can I just stop you and say conservative bloggers across America, thank you for saying that climate change is responsible for the rising murder rates in Chicago,” Scarborough said. “You have just made a lot of people in their basements of their mothers’ homes very happy.”

Hefner denied that was exactly what she said, but just wanted to point out the correlation.

“I don’t believe that’s exactly what I said,” Hefner said. “I said there are a number of contributing factors and a correlation with heat waves and gun violence. But, what I was going to say is, yes from my understanding from talking to people in the city is there has been a different approach to policing since Mayor Emanuel was elected. And there is a theory — but back to the point of we need to get facts — there is a theory that that is demonstrably less effective, and that’s being reexamined right now.”

New Hampshire Police Arrest Doctor For Urinating On Dentist Office Door

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(Derek Wood) - Dr. Donald A. Holshuh was arrested Wednesday by Keene, New Hampshire police after video tape caught him urinating on the employee door of a dental office.

Welcome to American, please continue reading!

After launching an investigation in August of 2012, Keene police arrested Dr. Holsuh, who according to a court complaint, urinated on the door of a dentist as revenge.

Dr. Wirant, who was testifying for the state of New Hampshire during a medical license suspension hearing against Dr. Holshuh.

Holshuh is being charged with tampering with a witness, and being held on $10,000 bail.

New Study Shows D.C. (Congress) Leads The Nation In Porn Viewing

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(DailyBail) -Washington, D.C. residents watch twice as much porn as anyone else.

And yet, they still have no vote in Congress.

Pornhub.com partnered with Buzzfeed to create an infographic ranking concentration of porn watchers by state, and the number of videos watched per person (per capita) throughout the year. Here are the nine states at the top:

  • Maryland – 6.67 videos per person
  • Connecticut – 7.03 videos per person
  • New Hampshire – 7.06 videos per person
  • New Jersey – 7.21 videos per person
  • Rhode Island – 7.28 videos per person
  • New York – 7.50 videos per person
  • Massachusetts – 7.52 videos per person
  • Hawaii – 7.57 videos per person
  • D.C. – 14.18 videos per person

Washington, D.C. crushed the competition, proving the rest of America is no match for Congress and staff, overpaid lobbyists and dedicated fraud stewards of the S.E.C.

Obama condoms sold 5 for $ 20 at inauguration (not joking)

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(CNS) -At President Barack Obama’s 2013 inauguration, condoms known as “Obama Condoms” were sold by some vendors soliciting the crowds entering and leaving the National Mall.

 

'Obama Condoms'Obama Condoms Sold At The Inauguration

The condoms (pictured below) came with slogans such as “Use With Good Judgment,” “The Ultimate Stimulus Package,” and “Won’t Break As Easily as His Promises.”

 

They were being sold for $5 each or five for $20. But, on the Obamacondoms.com website, the singles go for only $3.95.

This is not a joke: Newsweek (on its cover) Declares Obama Inauguration “The Second Coming”

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(Against Crony Capitalism, Nick Sorrentino)If you have any doubt at all that the #oldmedia is anything but a propaganda wing at this point witness the “cover” of Newsweek this week.

I know there are more than a few fans of the president who read this site, and we are happy to have you. But please, tell me how anyone can defend this? Does this not give you the creeps? It is absolutely bizarre.

It’s no secret that I like Ron Paul, but had a publication done the same thing with Paul on the cover (I know) I would have vomited in my mouth too.

If there is a significant minority of Americans who think this sort of thing is perfectly fine (and I think there is) we are in trouble as a country. (Like that is a newsflash.)

obama nw

Sharpton: Is Obama Ready for Mt. Rushmore?

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(Washington Free Beacon) -a recent National Journal article which analyzed President Obama’s chances of attaining a coveted spot on Mt. Rushmore Friday evening on MSNBC. Teddy Roosevelt’s presence on the landmark garnered particular attention from Sharpton, who expressed his opinion that Roosevelt’s thin resume as a “transformative president” strengthens the case for Obama to be included:

ABBY HUNTSMAN: You look at Reagan, he ended the Cold War. I think they have to have a legacy that changed America. Obama was the first black president. That is something that will always be remembered.

AL SHARPTON: And he stopped two wars and the whole question of finance reform on Wall Street and health care. I mean, he has done some concrete things. I can, again, the reason I raised Teddy Roosevelt is that a lot of people could say that Teddy Roosevelt was more of a character than a transformative president. I can name, literally, things that President Obama has done. Now, I’m going to say that if Teddy Roosevelt is the measure, I think it strengthens the case for President Obama.

Teddy Roosevelt is credited with accomplishments such as completing the Panama Canal and establishing the National Parks system. Historians typically rank Roosevelt among the top five greatest presidents.

Large Woman Falls Through NYC Sidewalk

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(Newser) – Painful to imagine: An overweight woman fell through a Manhattan sidewalk last night and had to be rescued by firefighters using “sophisticated” equipment, the New York Post reports. The 31-year-old from Queens was waiting for her bus, huddling against a wall from the rain, when the sidewalk collapsed. “It happened so fast she did not scream or anything,” said a witness from a bar next door, where everybody “got up to look.”

An FDNY rescue team pulled her from the 6-foot hole using a unit that looked like a crane with cargo netting. “Pretty sophisticated stuff,” said fire Chief Thomas Jemmott. “She is a very large person, but we were able to secure her and stabilize her and lift her out of the hole.” The woman, described as weighing over 300 pounds, sustained shoulder injuries and was listed in stable condition at Cornell Hospital. (Last year, a woman escaped injury when she found a 40-foot sinkhole—under her bed.)

Buy Bigfoot’s gravesite for $270,000

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(ArsTechnica) -Bigfoot’s grave lies an hour outside of Portland—and you can own it for $270,000.

I know what you’re thinking: “Bigfoot is dead? But some researcher from Texas has just sequenced his DNA.” It caught me by surprise, too, but apparently Bigfoot was another casualty of the famous Mount St. Helens volcano blast back in 1980. A mud slide caused by the explosion buried part of an A-frame house near Toutle, Washington, where the property’s owners later erected a “Survivors’ Gift Shop” and offered tours of the home’s now-below-grade first floor.

Also, they built a gigantic Bigfoot statue. That’s because, according to various unspecified local “accounts,” Bigfoot—the original, “real” Bigfoot—might have been buried by the mud covering the area, too. But the property owners made one key mistake when erecting their statue. As Roadside America explains:

The owners of the Survivors Gift Shop decided to honor his memory when they built their original Bigfoot statue in the mid-1980s. It was slightly smaller than the current one, and made of combustible materials, as proved by its incineration by vandals in the mid-1990s.

Never underestimate the pyromanic degeneracy of Youth!

Naturally, when the owners commissioned the replacement Bigfoot statue, they did it right and had the thing made of concrete. 28-feet tall, it stands on the property today. The real estate agent’s description of the property details all the wonderful things you get for your $270,000:

Big foot country! Commercial potential. Let us share how: approx 9.36 beautiful acres w/an 1120 sf home, building lot, North Folk Survivors gift shop, theater w/new roof, Big Foot, buried A frame, rest rooms & outbuildings w/many possibilities, RV park, helicopter landing, food stand, coffee shop, fishing/hunting camp. Across the street from North Folk Toutle River, mils post 19 on way to volcano viewing. Make your plans, make your offer.

Property taxes are low, too, just $945 a year, and you can have the thrill of waking each morning to look into the eyes of a 28-foot concrete Bigfoot, and ponder the fate of the real Bigfoot, buried—maybe!—nearby.

Officer Who Was Caught Sleeping In His Patrol Car Last Summer, Then Loses His Gun

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Officer Loses Gun In Police Parking Lot Philadelphia News Weather and Sports from WTXF FOX 29

From MYFOXPHILLY.COM

TRENTON, N.J. - The Trenton police officer who was photographed for allegedly sleeping inside of his police car over the summer lost his gun in a police station parking lot.

The attorney who represents the officer says his client was “very upset” after he lost the weapon.

Officer Richard Takach left the gun somewhere on the side of his car or his bumper in the police station parking lot at Hermitage and Artison Monday morning at 3 a.m. just after his shift, his attorney Stuart Alterman said.

“When he realized he didn’t have the weapon he immediately called his supervisor and turned around and drove to the secure parking lot where it occurred and searched for the weapon,” Alterman told FOX 29.

Takach was suspended last summer without pay after he was photographed for allegedly sleeping in his police car where he was providing traffic control. His attorney says it was a last minute job after his client worked a 15-hour shift.

Alterman says his client was back on the job 24 hours later but is still waiting for a hearing on the matter.

As for the latest incident, Alterman says his client is upset over it, but took “all appropriate action.”

You can watch the story in the video here

Store clerk with gun stops robbery attempt by suspect with cattle prod

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TALLAHASSEE, Fla. –  Authorities say a Florida Panhandle man has been arrested after he tried to rob a convenience store with a cattle prod but was thwarted by a clerk with a gun.

The Leon County Sheriff’s Office says 26-year-old Lance Tomberlin went into a store just outside Tallahassee on January 2, produced the cattle prod and demanded money from the clerk. Officials say he shocked the clerk several times before the clerk pulled a handgun. Authorities say Tomberlin fled and another employee tried to restrain him, but he eventually escaped in his truck. Deputies stopped Tomberlin’s truck but he fled on foot.

The sheriff’s office says Tomberlin was arrested Tuesday and charged with armed robbery and aggravated battery.

Jail records didn’t say if Tomberlin had an attorney. He was being held without bail.

Activist Podcaster Traces Troll’s IP Address Back to The House Of Representatives

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Internet

 

(IntelHub) -On their podcast “Freedom Feens” Michael Dean and Neema Vedadi often joke about how the government is probably trolling and monitoring their website.

While this is probably true for anyone who is speaking out these days, it seems that Michael Dean was actually able to notice something very interesting on his network, after a troll posing as John Boener made a derogatory comment on their website.

At first he thought it was listener going along with one of the gags on the show, until he traced the IP address back to a government office, the house of representatives in fact.

The following post was made to the Freedom Feens blog, complete with pictures:

Today while going through the litany of e-mails, tweets, etc. that had arrived while I slept off the last bit of my flu, I saw an odd comment waiting for approval on the Freedom Feens Podcast site, on the latest episode, “The Flu Has a Higher Approval Rating Than Congress.” The comment claimed to be from “J. Boehner” with the e-mail: [email protected].

The comment was “Our approval rating is because of shows like yours that poison the mind of the people.”

I approved it.

I was (and am) sure it wasn’t actually from House Speaker John Boehner, figured it was just one of the Feens fans playing off our ongoing “Central Scrutinizer” joke theme. Then I noticed the i.p. block was listed as (IP: 143.231.249.137 , housegate12.house.gov):

reps

I did a quick i.p. search and determined that it did in fact come from an actual i.p. address allocated exclusively to the US House of Representatives and their staff:

ipLocation

I did a Google search on the i.p. address and it lead to this talk page on Wikipedia. It’s the talk page for an article called “Congressional computers continue to be used to vandalize Wikipedia.” Here’s an excerpt:

“Wikinews contributors have discovered that members of the United States Congress or members of their staff have recently been making questionable edits to Wikipedia, the free online encyclopedia anyone can edit. This continues the trend identified by four exclusive Wikinews reports over a four-year period exposing questionable and fraudulent edits made beginning in 2005 by Congress members or staff.

Beginning in 2006, Wikinews reported that members of Congress or their staff were vandalizing Wikipedia by removing critical information in various articles, or adding false or offensive information. These edits were and continue to be done using computers owned or operated by the United States government….”

I like the fact that someone working in the US House of Representatives actually found The Feens and complained. Maybe they listened. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall for that.

I find it interesting that they don’t use a proxy to do this, it’s as if they WANT people to know they’re being Internet trolls. I do know that in the private sector you’d get fired for pretending to be your boss’ boss’ boss’ boss and posting crap in his name on the Internet. But I guess this is “good enough for government work.” Nice to see my tax dollars being spent so well. No wonder Congress is seriously considering the Simpsons solution ofprinting a trillion-dollar coin to “help the debt.”

IN SOVIET AMERIKA, REPRESENTATIVES CONTACT YOU!

I actually used to write to my representatives in Congress. Never got anything more than a form letter back. I’m glad that Neema and I have progressed to the point with our media creation that someone in Congress’ staff now takes time out of his busy day to personally insult us and try to “defend their brand” on the Feens podcast blog.

Mission Accomplished.

–Michael W. Dean, Freedom Feen.

The Feens have a good sense of humor and were able make light of this situation, but this encounter reveals a deeper trend where the political class is attacking the alternative media because it loosens their grip on the minds of the slaves.

You can check out the Freedom Feens site here, and check out their movie “Guns and Weed” an entertaining documentary which shows, in no uncertain terms, why Freedom of Ingestion and the Right to Keep and Bear Arms are equally indisputable civil rights, and why the War on Drugs and the War on Guns are both entirely immoral.

Appeals court: Motorist cannot be stopped for giving police the middle finger

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Woman in car showing middle finger via Shutterstock

(TheRawStory) -A motorist cannot be stopped for “giving the finger” to a police officer, the U.S. Court of Appeals ruled Thursday.

In a lawsuit against two police officers, the court held the insulting gesture did not constitute “reasonable suspicion that criminal activity or a traffic violation was afoot.”

The lawsuit was sparked by an incident that occurred in 2006 while John Swartz and his wife Judy Mayton-Swartz were driving to their son’s house.

The couple saw a police officer using a radar gun to catch speeding motorists at an intersection. John, who was a passenger in the car, stuck his arm outside the side window and “flipped the bird” over the car’s roof. The police officer then followed the couple to their son’s home and stopped them. John was arrested for disorderly conduct after other officers arrived as backup.

The officer who initially followed and stopped the couple said he did so because John appeared to be trying to get his attention by waving his middle finger. However, the court didn’t buy that argument.

“[T]he nearly universal recognition that this gesture is an insult deprives such an interpretation of reasonableness,” Circuit Judge Jon O. Newman wrote in the ruling (PDF). “This ancient gesture of insult is not the basis for a reasonable suspicion of a traffic violation or impending criminal activity. Surely no passenger planning some wrongful conduct toward another occupant of an automobile would call attention to himself by giving the finger to a police officer.”

The United States District Court for the Northern District of New York dismissed the lawsuit in 2011. The U.S. Court of Appeals vacated that ruling and ordered the case to be reviewed by the lower court again.

 

Passenger power: Unruly man on flight is TAPED to his seat and gagged by fed-up travellers

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Passenger drank all of his duty free liquor on the flight from Iceland to JFK yesterday. When he became unruly, (i.e. trying to choke the woman next to him and screaming the plane was going to crash), fellow passengers subdued him and tie him up for the rest of the flight. He was escorted off the flight by police when it landed

 

 

(Mirror) -A passenger on a flight became so unruly he was TAPED to his seat by angry fellow travellers.

The bound and gagged man had apparently gone crazy two hours into the flight heading for New York.

He had attacked one woman, tried to spit at people and screamed the plane was going to crash.

Passenger Andy Ellwood, who took this photo, wrote an account of the incident on his Tumblr page.

“(Passenger) drank all of his duty free liquor on the flight from Iceland to JFK yesterday,” Mr Ellwood wrote.

“When he became unruly, (i.e. trying to choke the woman next to him and screaming the plane was going to crash), fellow passengers subdued him and tie him up for the rest of the flight.

“He was escorted off the flight by police when it landed.”

The man, who’s name has not yet been released, was arrested upon landing at JFK.

He was taken to hospital but was not later charged with any offence.

University of Vt. to ban bottled water sales

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(NECN: Jack Thurston, Burlington, Vt.) - Inside the University of Vermont student center Thursday, a towering creation was taking shape. Art professor Beth Haggart and student Ilana Copel were poking the necks of disposable, soft plastic water bottles through holes cut in old bicycle tire inner tubes and stacking up the rings. Their goal was to sculpt a statement.

“They’re everywhere,” Haggart said of plastic water bottles. “And people don’t really notice them, because they’re everywhere.”

The project is aimed at drawing attention to waste, and to celebrate a new campus rule taking effect Jan. 1. Starting then, no more unflavored, flat bottled water will be sold on campus. Sales of soda, juice, and other drinks will continue.

“We were the first public university in the country to do this,” noted Copel.

Copel, a senior, was part of a large student coalition that pushed for years to convince administrators to okay the move. The students argued retail stores on campus and 57 campus vending machines were selling hundreds of thousands of plastic bottles a year, when UVM fountains were bubbling with clean Vermont water that was free for students’ reusable bottles. Plus, they raised issues of littering and the energy it takes to process plastic.

“This greatly reduces the amount of oil we use,” Capel explained.”Every time we have to recycle a bottle and put it through that whole process again, and remake a new bottle out of it, and transport it back and forth, back and forth.”

Change won’t come cheap. UVM Chief Financial Officer Richard Cate told New England Cable News the school spent about $175,000 to install filling stations around campus for reusable water bottles. Cate also said UVM will lose about $100,000 a year because of the elimination of an exclusive sales contract with Coca-Cola.

“We hope it says we are an environmentally conscious campus,” Cate said of the bottled water ban. “We want to try to try to sustain our community, sustain our university, and the world in general.”

Cate noted that the change will free up more space for other so-called healthy drinks in campus spaces, including low-sugar teas and low-fat dairy drinks. Cate told NECN the Coke money that directly benefited students,including through scholarships, was replaced by finding budget savings elsewhere.

Cate pointed out the exclusive relationship with Coca-Cola when it comes to UVM athletics, but explained bottled water would not be sold at concession stands at sporting events.

“I feel like some people will be annoyed with it, but I don’t think it’ll change that much,” UVM sophomore Gretchen Remien said, describing what she expects student reaction to the change will be.

Remien was drinking a product called Smartwater. Marketing materials for the uncarbonated beverage say it is made from vapor-distilled water with electrolytes added for taste. Initially, Smartwater sales will be allowed, Cate told NECN, but he indicated the school is looking at barring it from shelves, too, believing it to be essentially the same product as the still, unflavored water labels that are getting the boot.

Even a month and a half before the new bottle ban takes effect, NECN’s casual scan of the student center showed many undergraduates were already practicing what the new rule and Haggart’s eye-opening sculpture will encourage: many were filling reusable, hard-plastic bottles or metal canteens.

“The student body cares,” Ilana Copel said, smiling.

Ho Ho Ho: The Feds Are Coming To Town!

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(Dirk Would?)                           Oooooh, the Feds are coming to town.

They’re making a list, scanning it twice.

Taking your money, stripping your rights.

Ooooh,  the Feds are coming to town.

(Please join in)     They know that  you are sleeping.

They know you aren’t awake.

With the help of corporate media,

There really is no debate.

You better not pout.

                                                       You better not resist.

                                                        You’ll be detained,

                                                       Even if you have citizenship….

Oooooooh (everyone) the Feds are coming to town.

 

It’s that time of year where people spend their savings, checks, run the plastic to do a little something extra for a person they love. It’s usually that time of year where people go money crazy. It’s that one day where everyone can open up their gifts and get something new. But, for a certain someone or something it’s always that time of year. That’s right nobody spends your money better than the Federal Government. Nobody spends your children’s future better than the Feds and nobody will spend their kids money better than the Feds. It’s always Christmas in Washington! So let’s take a look back at some of the most outrageous government spending of the year 2012.

Wouldn’t it be nice if all that hard work paid off? You know so you can provide security for yourself or your family. Perhaps you might want to stash it away. I don’t know, it’s your money, so shouldn’t you be able to keep it? Well you can sleep comfortably knowing that you are keeping an Iron Dome over Israel’s head. A report from Veterans News Now stated that Americans pay more into Israel’s defense than Israel taxpayers do themselves. Although Business Insider refuted that claim (talking to one Israel insider),when it’s all said and done, according to Huffington Post and Congressional Research Service, Americans are forking over $3.1 billion in aid to Israel.

The total amount for war and humanitarian assistance dispersed around the world for 2012 was $53.3 billion, according to Reuters.

Living paycheck to paycheck and pinching pennies isn’t all that bed when you know your extra dollar goes a long way.  No, it literally does go a long way into the hands of dictatorship and military operations.

Government wasting your tax dollars is nothing new. Ronald Reagan shot his mouth off about it years ago but nothing has really been done about it. George W. Bush pledged that he would cut government waste but wasted around $142 million in Iraq reconstruction contracts that were either canceled or terminated.  Then, there’s President Obama who vowed (like they all do) to cut government waste. Well, does this sound like cutting government waste?

1.  Morocco received $27 million to learn how to make Pottery. Not only was this a failure it was stupid. Moroccans have been making pottery for hundreds of years. According to CNSNews, the program had about 10 regular students and people were mostly showing up for free lunch.

2. At a time where more and more Americans are on Foodstamps and more and more Americans are seeing food prices skyrocket, the USDA awarded a fish processor $300,000 to promote caviar.

3. $325,000 to build a robotic squirrel just so it can interact with a snake. The National Science Foundation calls it Robo-Squirrel.

4. A company in Nebraska received $505, 000 to produce beauty products for cats and dogs.

5. Institute of Museum and Library Service spent $11,000 to put on a Star Wars theme party for teenagers.

6. National Institutes of Health received $666, 905 to conduct a study that follows how people feel after they watch reruns.

7. A California school district received $90,000 to buy fancy floor mats that light up.  Forget text books and writing materials get me some light up floor mats.

8. Do you like to laugh? The State Department paid an Indian-American comedy group $100,000 to do a comedy tour through India.

9. Ever curious about fruit flies? No? Me neither. The National Institute of Health got curious to the tune of $939, 771, to find out why male fruit flies are attracted to younger female fruit flies. Good thing we know!

10. Southwestern festivals were treated to Smokey Bear hot air balloons that only cost taxpayers $49,477.

So you see when you’d like to pay the heating bill, perhaps waste a little bit of your own money, you need not to worry. The oversized blimp of our Federal government is coming down your chimney to do it for you. Except it’s not just once a year.

 

Written by: Derek Wood

 

What a gas! Federal worker issued five-page citation by bosses for ‘uncontrollable flatulence’ in the workplace

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in the workplace

(DailyMail) -A Social Security Administration worker has  been cited by his superiors for ‘conduct unbecoming a federal officer,’   relating to his ‘uncontrollable flatulence’ in the workplace.

The Maryland man, 38, was reportedly hit with  a five-page reprimand Dec. 10  that included a meticulously-crafted log of  specific dates and times when coworkers observed - or overheard - him   ‘releasing the awful and unpleasant odor’ in his Baltimore  office.

The letter’s log reportedly cited 17 dates - and 60 times - in which he passed so much gas the resulting miasma created an’  intolerable’ and ‘hostile’ workplace environment for those around him. For  example, the man’s Sept. 19 output included nine bouts of flatulence, starting  at 9:45 a.m. and ending at  4:30 p.m. A trio of incidents preceded on Sept.  11.

Hold your nose: A Baltimore-based federal employee has been cited by his superiors for alleged flatulence in the workplace 

The letter does not reveal who memorialized  the flatulence, according to The Smoking  Gun.

But in the missive, an SSA manager reportedly  notes, ‘nothing that you have submitted has indicated that you would have  uncontrollable flatulence. It is my belief that you can control this  condition.’ The employee had apparently submitted evidence to his superiors  showing he suffered from “some medical conditions” that, at times, caused him to  leave work early.

Contacted at his office, the employee told  The Smoking Gun, ‘I can’t talk to you  about this, I’m sorry.’

 An American Federation of Government  Employees Local 1923 lawyer is providing the man representation. Cynthia  Ennis,  president of the Baltimore-based local, did not respond to inquiries.

The letter was likely not a surprise, as the  worker was chided on three occasions prior to its receipt for behavior in the  workplace his colleagues found “discourteous, disrespectful, and entirely  inappropriate.”

During a May 18 ‘performance discussion,’ the  unfortunate man’s supervisor informed him fellow employees had complained, and  that it was ‘the reason none of them were willing to assist you with  your  work.’

The supervisor referred the employee to an  SSA unit for ‘assistance with what could have been a medical problem that was  affecting everyone in the module.’

‘Nothing  that you have submitted has indicated that you would have  uncontrollable  flatulence. It is my belief that you can control this  condition.’

Two months later, on July 17, a second SSA  manager warned the man ‘in regards of your releasing of bodily gas in the module  during work  hours.’

At that time, the manager asked him if he  could ‘make it to the  restroom before releasing the awful and unpleasant odor,’  and also recounted advising him on a prior occasion that, “turning on (his) fan  would cause the smell to spread and worsen the air quality in the module.”

From there, the matter apparently made it way  up SSA’s chain-of-command, as on Aug. 14, a third SSA pub-ah - this one a  ‘Deputy Division  Director’ spoke with the worker about his ‘continuous  releasing of your bodily gas and the terrible smell that comes with the gas.’

The manager noted that the worker had said he  was lactose intolerant and planned to purchase Gas-X, an over-the-counter  remedy. The manager informed the  employee that he ‘could not pass gas  indefinitely and continue to  disrupt the work place.’

The formal reprimand followed which the  worker’s manager noted, “is the least severe penalty available to impress upon  you the seriousness of your actions and is necessary to deter future  misconduct.” A redacted copy of the letter was recently circulated among  officers of the American Federation of Government Employees (AFGE), the union  that represents the SSA worker.

 

Disgraced John Edwards and mistress Rielle Hunter getting noise complaints from neighbors due to their ‘loud, wild sex romps’

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(Daily Mail) -Moving mistress Rielle Hunter and their love  child Quinn closer to his North Carolina home may have made John Edwards happy -  but the same cannot be said about his neighbors.

It was reported today the disgraced  politician and Hunter get so frisky and  loud during their bedtime trysts, they have received complaints about the  noise.

The former presidential candidate, 59, is  said to spend most nights at the Chapel Hill home he recently bought for Rielle  and a source told The National Enquirer: ‘It has pretty much turned into his  booze and sex romp hideaway.’

The source added: ‘When they get a little  tipsy, they get so frisky that their lovemaking becomes embarrassingly  loud.

Rielle Hunter and daughter Quinn at JFK Airport in New York 

‘One day an elderly neighbor walked  right up  to Rielle and said, “Try to keep it down next time”. John was  mortified when  Rielle told him but she clearly gets a kick out of it.’

Edwards moved the 48-year-old and  their  four-year-old daughter to Carolina just three months after they  announced they  had split up.

He was said to have grown tired of  making  the three-hour drive to Charlotte and wanted his two families to  be close to  each other.

 His youngest children with his late  wife  Elizabeth - who lost her brave battle with breast cancer in 2010  amid the sex  scandal - Emma Claire, 14, and Jack, 12, spent Thanksgiving with their  half-sister Quinn though refused to spend the night at the  home.

His oldest daughter Cate, 30, still refuses  to acknowledge Rielle’s existence.

Not guilty:John Edwards addresses the media alongside his daughter Cate Edwards and his parents Wallace and Bobbie Edwards after being cleared in court in Greensboro, North Carolina. on May 31 

The way we were: John Edwards seen with his late wife Elizabeth and their children in Washington in 2004The couple announced their break-up  after  Edwards escaped jail on campaign fraud charges, with Rielle saying they would  continue to care for their daughter together.

However, the National Enquirer reported in  October the pair were back together again with a source saying that Rielle hoped  to eventually move into the palatial home he once shared with Elizabeth.

The pair broke up this summer upon the  release of Rielle’s book, What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter and  Me, in which she shockingly referred to Edwards’ late wife Elizabeth as a ‘witch  on wheels’.

Elizabeth lost her fight against cancer on  December 7, 2010, aged 61, leaving behind her three children with Edwards, Cate,  30, Emma Claire, 14, and Jack,12.

Despite announcing their split, Rielle and  Edwards were later seen frolicking on the beach with their little  girl.

Family man: John Edwards and family in 2004A source told the Enquirer: ‘Elizabeth was  so well-loved in Chapel Hill that Rielle may as well wear a scarlet letter A on  her chest. She’s going to have a tough time fitting in.’

For her part, Rielle continues to back  Edwards, insisting she would have fallen for him even if he had not been a  powerful senator.

She said: ‘If John Edwards were working in a  gas station and I met him, that would be my guy.’

 

McDonalds to stay open as the world ends!

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1amcd

(Dirk Would?) In three days the world will end. But that won’t stop the biggest food chain on our doomed earth from opening their doors for business. This week, Don Thompson, CEO of Mickey D’s told Steve Shortcollar of Global Food Reporters, that indeed McDonalds has a marketing strategy for the world ending. But how will it be possible?

According to DefenseDroids.com McDonalds and Boeing partnered up this year in developing buildings that are catastrophic proof.  The outside walls are made of  asteroid and meteor resistant panels as well as fire-proof. Inside will be amassed of heavy metal objects, an asteroid fire-place, a comet shower fall, and much more!

1aasteroid

The cost to cover 2012 of these stores was roughly $2 billion.  “With the money we save on paying our employees next to nothing and the help from our friends at Boeing… we were able to create a doomsday concept for the store and actually survive it,” Said Thompson.

So if you find yourself running for hopeless nothings as the end nearly swallows you up make sure you stop into McDonalds and grab a bite to eat. What’s on the menu?

For bargains make sure you check out the Mayan Dollar Menu. You can get everything from “Catastrophic Cajun Fries,” “Mass Destruction McDouble,” “Hurry Up And Run Hash Browns,” “Armageddon Angus Deluxe.”

According to the TLSI (Tastelikeshitinstitute) all of these items listed above will only contain 12 to 21 calories and combined altogether no more than 2012 total calories.

So if you get tired of running from asteroids, or eating canned beans be sure to stop into McDonalds ,as the world ends where you will be greeted with a terrifying smile! If you happen to survive Doomsday, and are alone for Christmas…. no worries, McDonalds will be opening on that day as well.

Contributing sources for this article: TLSI.com, Doomsday Daily, McDonalds, It’s either the end of the world or my stomach thanks to McDonalds.com, Defense Droids.

 

This was another fake story by : Derek Wood

 

 

Hillary Clinton named Klutz of the year!

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(Dirk Would?) In a rapid response to the “dog ate my homework” type of moment, prominent news magazines, Times and People, have named Hillary Clinton top honors for klutz of the year. Allegedly but highly doubtful, Clinton slipped on her own venom that she was spraying in Billy boy’s direction. After spraying the venom of death or Satan Stew she slipped and banged her head.  Suffering a concussion, Clinton aides also known as traditional and occasional liars, informed John Kerry, Senate Committee Chairman, of her “mishap.” Kerry, not a bit opportunistic, said Clinton shouldn’t and cannot testify at the Benghazi hearings this week.

Hours after all of this came to light the two corporate magazines decided to pounce on this situation and named the 65-year-old their “Klutz of the year.” 

This is a huge precedent as some industry insiders say it’s not easy being known as a clod, lubber, putz, oaf, lug, lout, fuckstick, an accident waiting to happen. Just ask George W Bush, who is advised not to eat any hard candy or peanuts.

So is it a coincidence or just a pathetic attempt to dodge a bullet? Oh, Does it matter when you reign in such a prestigious accolade such as Klutz Of The Year?

For more on this please study the following: Steve Urkel, Gilliganism, Klutzology, and Nancy Grace.

 

Another powerful farce forced into your eyes by: Derek Wood

Toy Producer Set To Release “Drones 4 Kidz.”

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kids

(Dirk Would?) - One of America’s top toy producers has decided to venture off into the world of droning… for children. Fisher Price announced late in the hour of 6pm on a Wednesday at a convention held by lunatics that they are unveiling the “Para-Keet AR 2.8 Junior drone.”

Drone Jr. will be stacked with three 1.2 gigapixel cameras. That’s right, little Timmy can go spy on Tommy as he craps his pants and thinks nobody is watching. But not to worry Tommy because these little drones come equipped with counter image cams. This superior device will allow you to frame Timmy and pin on it him until he feels inferior.

For the aggressive end of the Junior Drone, Price has announced a plethora of features to entice mommy and daddy to go ahead and run their useless credit card and buy it. Fisher Price and Micro Systems teamed up to develop a Portable Area Target System. This will allow Timmy to watch Tommy while he watches SpongeBob and fire non-lethal laser beams onto Tommy’s sand castles. The command system or PATS can be carried anywhere and comes with only 10 buttons, all color-coded, to perform any daunting task for kids from the age of 5 to 12.

If space is an issue in the house then feel relieved that the Junior Drone can be as small as a golf ball and no bigger than a dinner plate!

The toy has already been met with criticism from the un-fun group Mothers Against Drunk Driving(MADD). Spokeswoman, Lina Clinton, called the developement, “A sad day in American toy history that encourages children to spy on one another and commit violent acts.” Clinton made it clear that MADD will boycott, protest, and urge parents to do the same.  “We are going to do everything we can to make sure that this toy never hits the market. This is a conflict of interest. It degrades privacy from both parents and other children, and teachers children the acts of war,” Clinton added.

Fisher Price has yet to respond to the criticism and nothing has been advertised on their site for the price and release date of Junior Drone. Sources inside the toy industry believe mid-2013 will be the release date and that the price will range from $599.98 to $989.89 USD.

Furthermore, it is speculated that the Para-Keet will be completed with fun size Cyanide tablets and Ethylene mini spray.

CAV will be following these developments as they progress.

(The following is a spoof. This is another tall tale told by Derek Wood)

U.S. to Iran: We captured your game-show host

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(Dirk Would?) In what appears to be the latest phase in the “I’m better than you” saga, Dirk Would? of Citizens Awareness Vanguard has learned from whispers around the bend, that the U.S is claiming to have captured popular Iranian game-show host, Vinjeh Osi-Linivu Smith.

Smith is famously known and beloved for hosting Iran’s most popular game show, “Wheel of Misfortune.”

Leon Panetta and several military specialists confirmed that they indeed have captured Smith earlier this week. CAV has learned that Panetta and his droners are pissed about Iran taking down their predator drone. Although the United States denies that this has happened.

Iran counter-punched those denials by telling them go check your shit then and see if the count is the same as it was when it left the drone garage.

Sources confirmed that the United States won’t release Smith until Iran simply cries uncle and recants their statements about shooting down their drone. According to those familiar with the situation, Panetta is also demanding that Iran buy Israel a vowel and scale back their syllables.

Chief of Television Game Show Operations, Sharif Aran Jones, has not returned any of CAV’s phone calls to either deny or confirm these reports. However, someone close to the person nearest to this saga told CAV that they could care less about the game show host and that the show was doing terrible in ratings.

More on this situation as it developes.

Learn more at: Another tall tale told by Derek Wood.com

Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen Are Selling $55K Backpacks Covered In Prescription Pills

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(Business Insider) -Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have come a long way since their tween clothing line for Walmart.

The 26-year-old former TV star twins and current heads of a billion dollar empire, have just unveiled their latest accessories collection co-designed by contemporary artist, Damien Hirst.

The threesome have created a black patent leather Nile crocodile backpack by under the Olsen’s The Row label, covered in Hirst’s signature prescription pills.

The backpacks are retailing for a whopping $55,000 on the retail site JustOneEye.com as of December 12.

Only 12 backpacks will be made and Hirst will determine how much of the proceeds from sales will be donated to UNICEF.

Other, more subtle designs have small gold or multicolored dots, large gold or multicolored dots, and black and grey pills.

“Each bag is crafted in Italy and includes features like an internal detachable handle, adjustable canvas straps, internal zip-fastening, slit pockets, small gold-plated brass feet at base, a metal mirror plate and case, and designer-stamped gold-plated brass hardware signed by Hirst,” reports TIME.

But this isn’t the first time an Olsen-designed bag has been shock-inducing.

In June, PETA slammed the twins for using real animal pelts for a $16,900 fuzzy backpack from their line, The Row and last October, the designers faced criticism for selling $39,000 crocodile backpacks, that ironically flew off shelves.

Hirst famously set an auction record for the most expensive work of art by a living artist in 2007, when his piece Lullaby Spring, a steel cabinet with 6,136 pills, sold for $19.2 million to the Emir of Qatar.

Check out the current controversial bag below:

 

 

Damien Hirst Olsen Twins Backpack

justoneeye.com

Jon Stewart Tears Into Fox News And Bill O’Reilly For Outrage Over The War On Christmas

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(mediaite.com) Jon Stewart helped Fox News get an early start on its war on the War on Christmas tonight. Though as Stewart sadly observed, Fox’s annual battle to save Christmas have “become a little predictable” to the point where all you need is a book of Mad Libs and a bunch of religious buzzwords to set them off into a Christmas feeding frenzy.

Stewart mockingly said that Christmas is so weakened and “defended only by the brave souls at Fox News.” But after years of ripping Fox for cherry-picking a few isolated instances of atheists getting nativity scenes taken down, Stewart couldn’t even get excited enough this time. Though he did find a good opportunity to reassure Gretchen Carlson‘s doubts that she might be “nuts” for thinking there is a war on Christmas.

Christmas is clearly alive and well in America. Stewart pointed out that even in New York City, one of the most “godless, secular, gay, Jewy, and hellbound” cities in the nation, is decorated as if “Santa’s balls exploded” all over Manhattan. And with Black Friday sales being pushed back to Thursday nights (a.k.a. Thanksgiving), “Christmas is so big now, it’s eating other holidays.”

Stewart pointed to all the stores that sell only Christmas items and all those damn Christmas specials you see on TV. There is even a Flintstones Christmas special. Yes, Stewart said, “there’s a Christmas special celebrating Jesus’ birth thousands of years before the birth of Jesus.”

Of course, it wouldn’t be a true War on Christmas without the input of ol’ Bill O’Reilly, who has been bizarrely insisting that Christianity is not a religion, but a philosophy. Stewart patiently tried to explain to O’Reilly why Jesus is not the same as Plato or Socrates, adding that while he personally enjoys the philosophy of Jesus, he probably wouldn’t be invited into the Christian club.